Ready to End 2013

At the beginning of this year I thought my life was falling apart. I had a lot of things happen to me all at once that really set my self-worth back. A friend killed herself while the person I thought was the love of my life entered into an arranged marriage and left me after we had been together for 2 years.

The betrayal I felt with each of these events were devastating and it took me forever to drag myself out of that suffocating hole of despair. By summer, things began to change. I met a special person who I've been dating. I've made new friends and I've been working hard at my studies in school (Senior year of college). All this is paying off for me. I am happy with my life.

I have a jar that sits on my desk filled to the brim with slips of paper, event tickets, and other miscellaneous items. It has everything good that has happened to me this year and I can't wait to open it up on New Year's Eve and see all the wonderful things I've accomplished in 2013.

It's been a pretty good year, but I won't miss it at all. That's because I can't wait for the future and what it has in store for me. Some parts may be hard but I'll get through them. I've already proved to be a strong person and I'm going to fight for what I want.

Life Thoughts

It's been a long time since I've found any time to write about myself. A lot of things have been changing for me in pretty much all aspects of life. In school, I've been finding myself becoming more dedicated to my studies, more enthusiastic about learning and finishing my final year before I start my life away from this college. I'm still planning on continuing my education after I leave here in May. I want to pursue my Biochemistry and Nursing Degree at another, more affordable college.

I have so many questions about my future. Will it be what I was expecting? Will I struggle to make ends meet? Will I have time to travel, visit friends, see my family when I have work and classes and bills to pay? I'm sure everyone goes through this at some point. I'm trying to make the best of my final year here.

Last night I was a presenter on the Cultural Perspectives of Beauty Panel, one of the many projects I've been working on throughout the year. It was a success and I'm getting better at public speaking. Things like this make me feel so accomplished in life. I'm sure to be in the Newspaper for the second time since starting back college for my senior year.

My life has been steady and pretty good, but in the back of my mind I know I'm about to hit a wall or bump. Maybe all this public speaking will help me when I have to do job interviews in the future. Everyone has been telling me to go into research until I get my other degrees. That would help me with the bills for sure and hopefully give me a little extra to do things with. Research isn't really my area. I find it to be dull but it pays very well.

I wish I could just have a piece of land, build a house, and make a massive sustainable garden. Live the simple life, you know? Money is just a piece of paper. Why is it so valuable?

New Jobs and Outings

As you can probably tell, I haven't been on as much as I used to be. I'm trying not to neglect this blog. I'm so busy with life nowadays that I hardly have any time to write which isn't exactly how I imagined my summer break to be. It's supposed to be a break right?

Well, I've started my new office job at the office of advancement at my college. Basically, I do desk work like filing, delivering mail, recording checks from donors, taking care of the company cars, doing purchasing orders, etc. It sounds much more boring as I write this but I actually really enjoy it! My Virgo side is so thrilled with all this organization and tedious tasks that I'm assigned with. My Leo side ( I was born on the cusp), gets to play for the other half of the day when I go into horticulture services as the CEO of their herbal department.

I love being in charge of the herbs. They're my babies! When I first got there, the chamomile was completely dry, withered, and rather pathetic looking. Now they're perking up which is great because hopefully they'll have healed before the sale next weekend. Right now, I'm in the process of trying to save the sage. It all looks completely dead and was totally neglected. I found three sage plants that have a spark of life still present. Maybe I can nurse them back into health. I just hope it's not too late.

This weekend I'll be moving out of my townhouse and into a dorm room which is required of all the students staying for the summer. I just think they want us to be in the same place so they can keep an eye on us. I still have to pack things up. I did a little packing today but I need to really hit the ground running tomorrow. Saturday, I'm going to a store called Forever and A Day as a field trip with my Wiccan study group. Then we will be heading down to Atlanta to a concert.

The concert is featuring mantra music and I'm really excited to go! I just want to dance...and well, meet this guy I've been chatting with. He seems really cool, but I started talking to him online. I'm going to the concert with a few of my friends and invited him to meet up with us. Who knows? Maybe it'll be a good thing to meet new people. Well, wish me luck!

Troubling Religious Thoughts

This has been upsetting me for awhile and I can feel that its creating negative energy within my space and myself. I've been finding myself becoming more and more intolerant of other religions when I used to not be. I believe this could be in part to the studying I've been doing into other religions and their cultures. The more I tend to find in the Bible, the Torah, and the Quran, the more intolerant I'm becoming of the religion in general.

This upsets me because some parts of these religions have good intentions but other parts I cannot bring myself to admire. I cannot tolerate slavery, degradation of women, belittlement and bigotry, child abuse, or anything of that nature. Yet, I have been finding this scattered throughout these "Holy" texts and I'm beginning to fear that these tidbits of information will somehow (and in some cases are) influencing the population that follows these religions.

I believe in peace, love, and respect for everyone regardless of gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, etc but I'm finding discrimination within these texts. I don't want to list certain verses because I would rather someone read the scripture for themselves and come up with their own opinions about the verses. I advise to look at the scripture and form your own opinions.

People may say that I'm taking these verses too literally or out of context. Let me address the "too literal" part of this and then I'll address the "out of context part". As a piece of scripture that is said to be the word of God, why should I not take it literally? I understand that some stories are symbolic and full of wisdom while others are actual accounts of history and some even laws. These pieces that are assigned the genre of "laws" are where most of the questionable content resides and are not laws supposed to be taken literally? These laws, whether ordained by God, should be taken literally, yes? It would be like saying that the laws created by man today are just guidelines and no one cares if you do it.

As for the "out of context" part, I don't care if this verse was said during a period of war, during a period of extreme suffering, during any period, no one should ever say things like, "But when the forbidden months are past, then fight and slay the Pagans wherever ye find them, an seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war); but if they repent, and establish regular prayers and practise regular charity, then open the way for them: for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful." Surah 9 Verse 5.

I feel the Quran, which is where this verse comes from, is more of an historical account, than to be taken as the word of God. I say this because I don't believe, personally, that a God would ask such a thing like this from his faithful servants who are supposed to be portraying a peaceful religion. Where is the peace in this verse? Although I have used this one verse to help explain the "out of context" concept, I still advise those to read these scriptures for themselves and form their own opinion.

All religions have their admirable traits and their questionable ones. Maybe we should bring these scriptures up to modern times and look towards progress. Most of the Old testament has been labeled as out dated by Christians. Who goes out to slaughter an animal as an offering to God anymore? I do not doubt that their is history and wisdom behind these pages. I also do not say that these supreme beings defined in the Bible and Quran are false. I can neither prove or disprove their existence. I am merely saying that if you believe in these books as the word of God...it does not mean that you should play God or impose some of the questionable laws upon people in this day and age. 

I am trying my best to stay away from judgement and intolerance of certain religions. I know not all people are religious zealots or terrorists or whatever they're called now. I know there are good people in all religions. We should strive for what is said to be the root of all religions and that is peace, love, and respect. As long as we remember the Golden Rule then I believe that nothing else should really matter.

Full Moon and Health Ritual

Last weekend I performed a Full Moon/Health Ritual with my group. It was wonderful because the weather was just right and no wind to blow out our candles! I love the wind but sometimes it can get rather annoying relighting candles. I usually get my candle maiden to make sure all the candles remain lit so I don't have to deal with it while I'm speaking to the group, casting the Circle, or instructing everyone about the next part of the ritual.

I performed the ritual barefoot as well as one of my other students. I advise people to do this because you can use the Earth energy in your ritual and to heal yourself. It was perfect for our Health Ritual. When I'm outside and barefoot I tend to move differently. I tend to move softly and smoothly in a crouching almost animal-like way. You just get into the moment and lose yourself. You aren't a person standing on Earth anymore. You become a part of the Earth. You meld into it and you move with it.

Beltane is approaching and I'm hoping to make a very good ritual for it. I have an outline of the ritual from Dynion Mwyn but I'm going to altar it slightly to include some of my own vision. We will be having two visitors with us who are new to the Craft and I want it to be a fun time for them. Beltane is like the polar opposite of Samhain. The veil between the worlds is also at its thinnest. While Samhain celebrates death, Beltane promotes life.

We will be celebrating it around 4 in the afternoon and I'm hoping for it to last quite awhile. Beltane is more of a solar sabbat. It is the last of the fertility festivals. I'm hoping for their to be dancing, singing, and I would really like to have a drum circle, and Goddess willing a maypole. Well, hopefully it'll be everything I'm hoping it'll be!

World Music Festival

Last weekend was the World Music Festival that RISE hosted. It was wonderful! There were so many bands and performers there that were just an awesome sight to see. My favorite part of the whole experience was the African Tribal Dance Party. I rushed to my dorm to put on my beautiful skirt and danced barefoot all night long to Ogya and Miwasa. They were really awesome bands. What was really cool is that the setting was so intimate that I actually got to speak to the members of the bands and become friends with them.

It was such a spiritual experience. I just felt so primitive and connected to the Earth. I know we are a part of the Earth, that we came from the Earth, and yet I don't always feel as connected to Earth as I should. Dancing under the sun and the moonlight in the dark green grass surrounded by beautiful oak trees really helped me connect. It's wonderful when your body suddenly doesn't feel as though it belongs to you but you belong to something much bigger, to the universe.

Dancing really helps me open up. Now am I any good at dancing? I have no idea. It doesn't really matter to me if I am, but to others it's a big deal. I tried to get some of my friends to dance with me but they wouldn't because they thought they weren't good at it and just sat there and watched. I felt like they were missing out but I suppose one can have an experience by just listening to the music. I loved the energy that was around us. I was dancing with this man much older than I who was a Druid. He was really awesome and wearing a Green Man shirt. We became instant friends.

Next year I hope to make the Festival bigger and better. I hope to have more people come to share in the message of peace, love and unity. Our little Festival was being shadowed by the big name of Phillip Phillips who was doing a concert during our African Tribal Dance Party. I kind of feel like I'm one of the few people who takes spirituality seriously. What I mean by that is that I feel like I'm one of the few people that searches and keeps searching for spiritual experiences to enhance my wisdom.

I don't practice Wicca as a fad. I practice it everyday in my dance, my meditation, my yoga, my thoughts, in just everything that I do. I want to be enlightened like the Buddha or the Dali Lama. And I want to share these experiences with everyone and shake them and tell them they can feel this too! They can feel like they are a part of something huge.

 Saddle Mountain Bluegrass Boys

 Kirtan Bandits

Me and friends dancing. (I'm the one behind the guy in the light green shirt with the green and blue skirt on dancing with my friend in the black jacket)

Blue Spirit Wheel

The Golden Rule

You ever experience those days when you wonder "What's next?" Well, that's how I'm kind of feeling today. I have a plan for my life, for my future, but I kind of wonder if that's all there's going to be to my life. I'm going to work hard, achieve my goals, and then....what? Put my accomplishments under my belt and call it a good day? Is that really all there is to life?

I want to experience something amazing. Something that I won't easily forget and think back to it all the time and say "Wow, I can't believe I actually did that, but I did." I want to have an amazing, adventurous, beautiful, tragic, romantic, spiritual, inspiring story that I can pass on to my kids. Something that will make their jaw drop when they hear it and think dude, my mom was so cool. Something that I wouldn't mind them saying with the tagged on phrase "when she was younger."

I see these inspiring stories all the time in the news, on social sites, on inspirational websites, etc, about these heroic people that do something so selfless and fearless that it gives you goosebumps. I want to do that. I don't really care if I'm known for it but my future kids will definitely know about it. I mean, I could save a baby elephant from a tsunami or something. I could be a spokesperson and advocate for saving the rain forest and not only talk about it but actually go out to the Amazon and save it. I could research some highly infectious disease and find a cure for it. I just need the opportunity to present itself.

Right now, I'm looking for opportunities (that are a little more conventional) where I can make a big difference such as with RISE on campus. There is much more religious intolerance here than what I had originally expected. I've been the victim of it personally and I'm sure I'm not the only one. We have a Buddhist Study Group and a Muslim Study Group and a Universal Unitarians group that struggled endlessly to get approved to be recognized as an official group. There is also the Listen (LGBTQ) group that finally got approved last Fall after their 18 years of fighting for approval.

Groups like this shouldn't have to fight to be approved of. They should be approved of because it is displaying not only tolerance, but compassion for human beings. Just about every religion has something called "The Golden Rule." So let's start following it!

Busy Weekend Ahead

My henna tattoo has finally worn off, just in time to have a new one drawn on me next weekend at the arts and crafts fair on my campus. There is so many things happening next weekend like the World Music Festival, the arts and crafts fair of course, and a concert featuring Phillip Phillips. I didn't know who he was until someone explained it to me. I've heard one of his songs before and it's alright. I'll be at the Music Festival for the most part because it's being hosted by RISE which is the club I'm now the secretary of.

I was also invited to a birthday party by a friend. I may swing by there for a few if I'm not too worn out from all the activities going on. I'm hoping to get quite a bit of work done today with a little bit of studying. I'm not sure how that will all turn out for me. I'm kind of addicted to Farmville right now. I refused to play it and then once I did now I love it. However, I wish I could have a real farm and grow real food.

Next year I'll be living in a townhouse on campus and I'm hoping to get one of those planter boxes that you can hang outside your window so I can have space to plant something. I might have to plant some fall and winter plants or herbs. I just want to grow and care for something. My African violets and Golden Pothos are doing quite well. I think I should get a bigger pot for my violets. They're very big and the pot is just way too small to contain them.

Stars and Constellations

Well, I've just been a busy little bee! I've been buzzing around getting school work and homework out of the way and I've been doing all this planning for the clubs I've been in. I'm surprised that I've even had time for anyone or anything.

The other day I went to a "Star Party". Basically, it's these little gatherings at the observatory hosted by my college for people to view the stars through some high powered telescopes provided by the astronomy professor. It was actually really cool. We were out in the middle of one of the many fields here at my college near the horse barn and no the smell didn't travel to where we were. It was really quite nice out and very quiet and extremely dark. It was the perfect place to see all the stars!

Well, we were able to view Jupiter and it's four moons. We were even able to see its orange colored gas ring! The professor pointed out to us many other interesting features of the starry sky such as constellations and nebulas. I was able to view the Orion nebula located on the "sword" of the constellation Orion and also the Crab nebula. The Crab nebula wasn't as impressive; it looked more like a gray smudge. However, it's really interesting to know that if the stars hadn't exploded and formed these nebulas and things that we wouldn't be here today!

Some of the constellations that were pointed out to us were Orion, Leo, Cancer, the little dipper, big dipper which is apparently part of Ursa Major, Taurus, Canis Major, and Canis Minor. What I find to be the most interesting is the mythology behind these constellations. I have a book that had some of the stories in it. He also told us how to find Polaris, the North Star, which I had assumed was much brighter than what it actually was. He also pointed out Sirius, the brightest star in the sky.

It was all quite amazing.

Life Hits Hard

I'm very thrilled to see that my other blog is doing so well. I don't have any followers on it but I seem to be getting a lot of traffic. I hope the material that I post is helping someone somewhere. I recently became the secretary of RISE which is the interfaith group on campus. I feel like I can do some good there.

All my classes are finally set up how I want them. Unfortunately, I had to drop my Biochemistry major so I can add prerequisites for nursing school. I just hope I make it out of here with my degree in Animal Science and minor in Chemistry. My dad has recently hit a rough patch with his help. If it gets any worse I will be there for him even if that means dropping out of college to make that happen. If his health gets any worse with his diabetes then he'll lose his license to drive a truck and lose his job.

I'll have to go to work if that happens to help support him. There's no way he can keep up with his payments and still be able to live in the apartment and have food. I just hate that I'd have to drop out of college to do this and then all those loans he took out on me to go here would mean nothing. I hope it doesn't come to that.

My love life is still nonexistent. I just don't really have the time or the heart to be going back out into the field yet. I've been trying and I've met some really nice people. I just don't know if they're the right ones for me. I don't want to rush into anything either. My heart still hasn't healed from the last disaster.

I started my nature journal yesterday which I thought was very fitting considering that it was April Fool's Day. In ancient Rome, Pagans celebrated April 1st as the first day of the new year with merriment and pranks. Later on it became know as April Fool's day when Rome was ran by Julius Ceasar and it was primarily Christian. The new year was changed to January 1st and the Christians would call the Pagans fools and play jokes on them which were sometimes cruel. However, it was okay because that was a part of the day so the Pagan's didn't mind.

Atlanta Pagan Marketplace

Last Saturday was so awesome! I went with some friends to the Atlanta Pagan Marketplace and it was just so much fun. There were so many people there! I was able to get myself a pentacle for my altar, a wand made of Willow, and a really neat Celtic style journal that I'll be keeping my nature observations in. I also got a henna tattoo of the sun and colored a bookmark that had a symbol of the Goddess holding a sun.

The wand is pretty plain. Basically right now it's just a stick but that's how I wanted it. I want to make it beautiful and make it my own. I'm thinking about going to Michael's this weekend or to the Hobby Lobby in my hometown and finding leather to wrap around the handle. I have a necklace that broke that had leather in it and these silver beads that I want to put on the wand. I also want a feather to put on it. Maybe the swan down at swan lake will drop a few? I'll probably also be wrapping copper wire around it in neat designs and put a crystal at the top. I think it will look fantastic and totally be my own.

I've also been thinking about making myself a robe and a cloak. I have these ideas floating around in my head right now about it and I can't wait to make it happen. I'll have to sew everything by hand so it'll probably take me awhile. I also need to make myself a Cingulum. There's just a lot of things that I want to do right now. I just need to round up all the supplies first and herbs and things to consecrate them with.

The other day I was out catching rainwater in the storm. I'm sure it'll be useful with cleansing and spells that I wish to perform. I feel like I'm finally happy and I know what I want to do with my life. Things do really come to those who wait and I believe I've been waiting for awhile.

I can't wait to start writing in my new journal and get my new items consecrated. The Full Moon is soon so that will be a good time to do these things. I'll probably do it tomorrow though because I work really late on Wednesdays and I don't want to be too tired to perform the rituals.

Yes ma'am, things are looking up!

The Future

I believe I finally know what I want to do with my life and I'm so excited about it! I believe my excitement means that I've made the right choice and I can't wait to start putting it into action! So right now I'm at this very expensive private college and not really wanting to go on to graduate school because I don't really want a Master's in chemistry or animal science. I don't love these subjects well enough to go another 4 more years of schooling and paying more money for them.

So.

After I graduate from this college which will be next May, I will have a degree in Animal Science and Biochemistry. Well, that's good. But now, I'm looking into a degree in nursing at other colleges and universities so that I can go into the military as a registered nurse.

Now, I know some people would be like what? Why? Well, I want something that is fulfilling and doesn't require digging myself out of enormous debt and I still get to travel. Sounds like the military to me. I hear they're looking for registered nurses to enter into the military that are at my age. So I'm looking into schools for a BSN. It should only take me about 2 years to get all the clinical classes done since I'll have the courses for biology, chemistry, physics, math, etc.

Then I can enlist or go ahead and enlist and they'll pay for me to go through college and pay off my debts. I think it'll be something extremely worthwhile. And who knows? Maybe there's a dashing young soldier ready to meet a girl like me.

The Beauty of Nature

Today, I went hiking with my ex. It's getting better between us I believe. My resentment and anger toward the whole situation has subsided. I am still heart broken but I'm learning to stand on my own two feet again. I'm not sure if I'll ever stop loving him and I don't think he'll ever stop loving me but I've decided that that's okay. We can still be the best of friends and stay in each other's life. He's leaving to go back to Pakistan in May but he says that he'll write me, text me on whatsapp, and send me cards for my birthday and Valentine's Day.

As we were hiking though, I noticed something. I noticed how fast he was walking and how fast I was walking. I stopped to enjoy the scenery but he kept moving forward on the path looking at the ground in front of him and missing the trees, the birds, the rabbits, the golden grass, everything. I told him to stop and pause and breathe.

We stood there. He kept asking what we were supposed to be looking at. I told him to shut up and just observe. To listen to the nature around us and hear what it's saying. After a bit of fussing he finally did what he was told. I spoke to him softly, guiding him to look and listen and think. Those long leaf pines have been around for decades giving off their energy, their oxygen, keeping us alive.

The birds were calling to each other telling others where they were, where they were heading, what they were doing, what they wanted. Then something amazing happened. His body changed, he relaxed, and he began to listen to not only what I was saying but to the voices of nature around us. It was magickal and beautiful. When he turned to face me he hugged me tight and later he kissed me.

I bring magick to his life and he knows that he won't have that later on. Sometimes I think he's losing much more than I am. At least I have a chance to find someone who I love and he has to spend his life with a stranger.

Getting Into Shape

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to do something to change my life. I'm feeling a little stagnant and I think it's because of all the disappointments that are happening. Disappointments in my love life and in my Craft life. I know none of the things that are happening to me are my fault. They've been brought about by the choices people have been making around me. I don't like feeling like I have no control.

I've been hiking and biking recently. I feel like maybe if I become more in tune with nature and more in shape physically then I'll start feeling more in shape emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Does this sound like a good idea? I need something to focus on other than all the disappointments and I feel like my body is a good place to start.

Today, I went on an 8 mile bike ride down Viking Trail on my college campus. Yesterday, I went hiking with a friend and I'm sure we walked at least 2 or 3 miles. The place we were at was so pretty. If I had been alone I would've walked off the trail into the field of tall golden grass and sparse long leaf pine saplings. The sun hit it just right to make the whole field appear gold.

I'll probably go hiking tomorrow as well. I'm just tired of thinking so much about things that don't even concern me anymore. I've kind of stopped caring about my love life. That's not going to change anytime soon. Maybe it'll be fun getting to know someone new on a deep personal level. I just don't know when I'll be ready to do that again.

Random Thoughts

Life has been hitting me hard this past week. I've been all over the place for spring break I feel like. I feel like I'm very behind on all my work but I guess I'm not really. I haven't been updating my blogs and things like I wanted to. I was preoccupied with a friend of mine who I brought down to stay with me for awhile from North Carolina. Then I got sick right when I went home to see my family.

I'm hoping I'll be able to catch up on everything that I want to do. I have an exam at the end of the week. Physics homework that's due Wednesday and a worksheet that's also due at the end of the week. I have a presentation tomorrow in my psych class and I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed I suppose. I also have make up work to do in my calculus class because I missed the class Friday to pick up my friend. Hopefully my teacher or the girl next to me will let me copy her notes real quick. I hate feeling like I'm behind.

As soon as I catch up on some of this work, I'm going to look into graduate schools and start applying. That's my goal anyway. I need to get started on this stuff soon. I feel like I'm slowly running out of time.

I'm thinking about starting a new journal just for nature observations. I've been feeling closer to nature and that may because it's starting to get warmer so I can spend more time outside. I actually like being woken up by the birds singing outside my window. I've been dwelling too much on the past I think. Worrying about other people's futures and not enough about my own.

Thoughts About the Future

I've been wandering for the past couple of days. I haven't felt much joy in my life. I feel stagnate. I feel like I'm not progressing in things that I'm doing. I'm actually thinking about finding another job because I'm tired of being overlooked for everything. Even though I've been at my job longer than everyone else, I am behind everyone else and I'm not sure why. I've never had a bad evaluation. I just feel like it's time to move on.

I feel like I'm holding myself back. I think it's time to move away from this town so I'm going to look at schools in different cities for me to go to after graduation. I think it'll be better for me to make a fresh start somewhere. The only thing that saddens me would be that I would have to leave my Wiccan Study Group behind. I'll be able to make a new study group in the new town that I choose to be in, but I feel bad that I'll be leaving everyone behind. I hope we will all keep in touch though.

I still have a year to think about all these things. Sometimes, I just think that maybe I should go ahead into the work force, get a place of my own, start paying off those student loans but I love learning. I love feeling like I'm earning my degrees and titles.

For now, I'm just going to enjoy the life I have right now and let things come to me.

Future Plans

I'm really unclear about my future at this point. My college recently changed course credit hours for my biochemistry classes that I am required to take for my Biochemistry major which now means that I will have to drop Biochemistry as my second major. I feel like this was all a money ploy. They separated the lecture and lab making it the equivalent of two classes instead of one.

I still have my animal science major and my chemistry minor but I was working so hard toward the double major. It'll give me more time to take other courses that I couldn't schedule in such as microbiology. Maybe I'll go on to nursing school or go to UGA to get my biochemistry degree. I haven't made a decision yet. I kind of feel like I'm running out of time.

I wouldn't mind doing nursing. I work in the hospital as a volunteer and those nurses are so nice and the job seems like good work. However, I don't know if nursing is what I truly want to do with my life. It's a really tough decision.

Getting Things Together

Today, is another Wiccan Study Group meeting and I hope it turns out well. We have a new person joining us today which I'm very excited about. Cara and I are busy trying to get everything together to have more structured meetings and an outline so everyone knows what we'll be discussing for each meeting. We're still in the baby stage of everything and trying to get our curriculum and material together.

Some of our people are ahead of others because they've been in groups and covens before. However, they studied with eclectic covens and we come from a specific tradition based on Welsh/Celtic Witchcraft. It's a little hard for them to understand because although we to have intuition about rituals, spells, etc, we still use traditional ritual outlines that have been passed down over time. Also, we want people to know not just about the history of our tradition but encourage them to study other traditions as well.

People have to be self motivated which is something the people who come to us aren't. I'm not sure why, but they don't really want to do research or find any information for themselves, or even practice by themselves. Sometimes you have to do these things to gain insight and perspective. Of course, we offer doing group sabbats and sometimes if we can make it happen, esbats. However, you have to be able to connect in a spiritual sense outside of the coven as well.

This is where our problem lies for us right now. I guess I'm going to have to start assigning homework!

Charity

So right now I'm in a very motivated state of mind. I've been asking people for letters of recommendation for graduate and for medical school. I guess I could also just go ahead and apply to vet school. However, I'm not sure if I even want to be a vet anymore. It would be a nice job but I kind of want to be a nurse, a vet technician, or maybe, if I can get into med school, a doctor.

I'm putting together my medical folder for the Medical Board Committee here at College. They'll review my folder and see if I'm worthy of going to medical school. They can't stop me from applying, but they can seriously hinder my chances at acceptance if they choose not to write me their own letter of recommendation. I know a few of the professors on the board and maybe they'll be nice to my efforts.

It's funny how I'm choosing all these science-y fields when my least favorite subject in High School was science. I was never bad at science, I just found it quite boring. Sometimes I wonder what I really want out of life. My main goal in life isn't to get into medical school but just to be able to help people and contribute to someone's life in a major way. I guess I felt like that meant becoming a doctor.

Sometimes I think about joining the Peace Corps but I don't know if I'd like being away from my family for so long. I wouldn't mind digging a well in Africa so the people could have fresh water there. I talk to people about these ideas and things I want to accomplish in life and I believe they think I'm crazy for it. I can't believe that everyone is so self absorbed. They all tell me, "You just need to start a career and have a family. Take care of yourself and your own. That's good enough for the world." I just don't believe that's so.

I know what's wrong with the world. People think that way as I stated above. They only show love to their own and people who are like minded. Or maybe not even like minded because I know people who constantly backstab and talk about their so called "friends". People don't love each other like they used to. They don't have the same compassion for each other, sympathy or empathy. It's all a money thing now. Money seems to be the driving force in the world; it controls us and what we can do.

We, my friends, are hoarders of money. We treat this land like we own it and not like we're apart of it, not like we came from it, which is completely wrong. This land is not ours, we share it with so many other people, animals, vegetation. We're here to bring healing to the Earth and to its inhabitants. I may sound like a hippie but maybe they're right. One day, we're going to wake up and realize that lending a helping hand for free is one of the greatest gifts we can give to a person. As a doctor, I probably will make money, but I also want to help people for free, those who cannot help themselves. I want my services to be done out of kindness and not out of how much you're willing to pay me to do it.

Books Galore

It's been quite a day and another adventure. I finally finished reading the book I had started back near the beginning of January called Crafting Wiccan Traditions by Raven Grimassi. I found out that Grimassi actually taught Scott Cunningham the Craft which I thought was very cool. I'll probably post a book review on my other blog about it soon. My other blog is at: http://goddesspoetry.blogspot.com/

I think the next book I'm going to start reading is The Earth Path by Starhawk. I was just thumbing through and I hope that it's interesting. I don't get very much time to read these days so I need to make some time. I've been busy taking exams and things and trying to get this coven together.

The other day I was at Goodwill and saw a book that caught my eye called The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav. I had seen it earlier in the New Age section of the Barnes & Nobles and decided to buy it. It was only a dollar and fifty cents compared to the twelve dollars it was at the book store so I thought why not. Plus, it looks like it's never been read. While I was there my dad saw a marble mortar and pestle and knew that I would like it so he ended up buying it for me. I already have one but it was so pretty and much bigger than the one I already had.

I would say that my life is looking up now. Things are getting better for me. I am getting out of that terrible place I have been in for the past month. I just need to keep my chin up and keep looking towards the future. The only person who can stop me is myself after all.

Another Day in Paradise

So I had a very good and happy weekend. My Dad and Brother came to see me and cheer me up. Before they came to see me, I performed a happiness spell to help myself heal and be happy. I feel like it's working because I haven't been sad. I haven't even really thought about my ex. My mind has been focused more on the present than the past. Even when I try to think of the past I immediately start thinking about my life in the present and how my future is going to be a good one.

My love life isn't all together yet. I'm just talking to people right now, nothing serious. Going to take my time and take it slow. I'm talking to my former lover who I didn't really want to break up with in the first place. His name is Sunny. He's such a great guy and I'm happy when we talk. However, I'm talking to others as well. I don't want to limit myself or feel like I have to make a choice and be with someone right this instant.

It's nice to feel like I'm worth something again. It's nice to feel like I can be happy and move on with my life. I was beginning to think that I would just be miserable forever but I can get past this.

I just got back from a cultural event on campus about religion and the environment. When I say "religion" in reference to anything with my college, then I mean Christianity. That's the main religion on campus considering we have three churches on campus dedicated to the same religion. Sometimes I wish they would promote different religions but then I guess that would go against their "policies".

Basically, the whole event consisted of a man reading the story of Genesis from the Bible and part of Revelations. Yawn. Heard it, read it, know it. I don't need it read to me again. This event was supposed to be about helping the environment but there was nothing said about how we could help it. Basically, I sat through a church sermon. That's what it was.

Being Whole

I'm finally learning to let go of things. And when I say things, I suppose that I mean people. If you love someone, that's what they say right? To let them go? Well, that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go because holding on only hurts me and the person I'm trying to hold on to. It was hard because I know that they still love me with all their heart but they won't make the right decision that needs to be made. So I'm making the decision now.

It was fun, it was pure, it was carefree. That's what our love was like, but it has to end now. There's no use in staying in this cycle. I begged, I pleaded, and I'm done. I'm done trying to talk logic to the illogical, talk sense to the senseless, talk honesty to the dishonest. Never again.

I can be happy again. I can make it through life and be happy. I can only depend on myself to change my mood. I am the only dependable person there is. Will it take time for me to open up to others? Yes, it will take a long time. Will it ever happen? Yes, I will open myself up to others again someday. Will I heal? Not entirely. Do we ever truly heal? Or do we just let ourselves forget over time by putting something else in it's place?

It's going to be tough to put something else in replace of my heart but it'll happen. I'll find something or someone else to love and it'll be good and pure. It'll be just like it was. I read today that it takes people on average almost 18 months to get over a break up. I'm sure this applies to people who were truly in love, who had a true relationship for at least a year. We were together for 2. I hope it doesn't take me that long.

I will get over this one day, whether that means having to replace someone for someone else. I will heal and I will be whole again. And I'll look back on these posts and say "wow, I can't believe I was that distraught over you. I found someone else who was deserving and beautiful and pure and everything you weren't. And most important of all they love me and make me happy. Happiness was something you could never give me."

Everyday Magick

So I have some amazing news! First of all, I met with my teacher the other day and was informed that my little Wiccan Study Group is destined to become a training coven. Although, the study group meetings will remain open for everyone, the coven shall not be. Only members and people who are dedicated in joining the coven will be allowed to meet with us for rituals. We may have open Sabbats though.

What's even more exciting and a little nerve racking is that my teacher wants me to take on the responsibility of being the High Priestess of it. He wants me to think of it as "on the job training". So my Sister Witch, Cara is going to be assisting me in making all this happen. I've got her working on writing down and recording Dynion Mwyn rituals right now.

She's going to be a big part in this coven, so I'm expecting a lot out of her. Tonight, I'm going to get started on writing down the laws of the coven so every member knows what is expected of them. These laws will include attendance, code of ethics, obligations outside of rituals, and expected study. Some of you may think that's a little too much for a coven especially if you've never been in one.

However, a coven is a family unit. We work together, worship together, and raise energy together. It's for those who are especially dedicated in learning the Wiccan Tradition and the Craft. If you are not dedicated to this path, then you probably shouldn't claim it as your religion. Nothing makes me more annoyed than someone who claims they are Wiccan and never follows through with it or practices or worships regularly.

I don't believe anyone is doing themselves any good by being spiritual some of the time. You have to be spiritual all of the time. I do magick everyday and no that doesn't mean that I do a ritual everyday or a spell everyday. There are small things you can do that are magickal. You may not think that sitting on your couch with your eyes closed for 10 minutes just listening to yourself breathe is magickal but it is. It's meditation and it's becoming one with yourself, it's relieving your stress, it's relaxing your muscles, it's helping you to reconnect with yourself all in 10 minutes.

You may not think that vacuuming your room is very magickal but it is if you think about it! As one would use a broom to sweep away negativity from your sacred space, you are taking it away by vacuuming your room and keeping it tidy. You are ridding your space of negativity.

Once you start thinking of your days like this, you'll start to realize that you create magick all the time. That you live and breathe magick every single day.If you need a little help thinking this way, or trying to fit magick into your day here's a really neat book that I would recommend: Wicca: A Year and A Day By Timothy Roderick.

You can find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Wicca-Year-Spiritual-Practice-Craft/dp/0738706213/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360704694&sr=8-1&keywords=wicca+a+year+and+a+day

White

It's not a big surprise that white is symbolic of purity. It's a clean color. No blemishes. No spots. Just a clean slate that everyone wish they had. What I find so unique about this color is that it's a reflection of all the colors. It's as if all the colors lend an attribute to it and it's compiled into one color.

I love using white candles. I feel like they are representative of many things that I treasure and need in life. Whenever I do rituals with people, I give them white candles to light and meditate upon. These candles symbolize their higher power, purity, and spirituality.

At Odds

Last night, my Sister Witch Cara and I, performed our Spiritual Awakening Ritual together for the New Moon. I thought it would be appropriate since the New Moon represents new beginnings and fresh starts. Even thought the New Moon is today, you can perform Esbat Rituals up to three days before and some say up to three days after.

If you'd like to see the ritual that we performed, it's posted on my other blog which you can find at http://www.goddesspoetry.blogspot.com/.

Tonight, I think I'm going to ask the Goddess to heal me, to help me get past everything that's been going on.  I was so attached; I was so emotionally invested in my relationship because I thought it would be something good. I thought it would turn out for the better and then I was blind sided by everyone. I'm getting tired of people saying "this is what God wants" because it's not God who makes our choices. It's us.

That's what's making it so hard for me to move on from this because I know that this was his parent's choice for us not to be together and he's only doing it to make his family happy. It's driving me insane! I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. I'm trying to meet other people and be around those that make me happy. For a moment, I can escape everything and live normally but then my mind drifts back to the big "what if".

What if this happened or what if that happened. I just feel so lost and alone. I feel like no one understands my pain even though I know people have. At least maybe. I mean people find their husbands and wives cheating on them. I'm sure they feel as distraught as I do. How do they cope? How do they get over something like that? I need to learn this secret.

Orange

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I don't use very many orange candles. I think the main reason that I don't is because I never really knew what they represented. Now that I do, I think I'll be using them more often. I could use some control and personal strength in my life right now. I'm not feeling like a very strong person. I've been going through a major depression for the past month and I'm starting to think that I should start going to therapy or counseling.

I'm not really sure what to do. I've had a bunch of things going on and most of it has to do with my ex. He just destroyed me and my trust and it's going to take me a long time to get over everything. I don't really have too many people to talk to about it. I should probably rephrase that. I don't have too many people telling me what I want to hear about it.

I don't mind hearing that everything will be okay. However, I wish someone would say that he's a dumbass and that I'm beautiful and deserve better. For some reason, no one has been giving me that kind of support and that's the kind of support that I need right now.

Black

So black candles, anyone? I don't know too many people that use black candles in their Craft. I'm not sure if it's because of the negative connotations associated with them or because they feel that black candles aren't necessary to their magick. Whatever the reason, I have used black candles before, particularly on Samhain. However, it was not to conjure demons or cast curses on anyone.It was to represent the dead.

As for absorbing negativity, I personally use salt. I've never used a black candle for that purpose but it seems pretty interesting to do so. Fortunately, I've never had to banish anything from me or from someone. I've never had anything foul attach itself to me and suppose it has something to do with your vulnerability. I'm not a very vulnerable person although my energiies can get out of whack when I'm upset about things.

When you use the word banishing in a sense that you are banishing negativity from yourself, or feelings, or memories you do not wish to keep, I've  never used a black candle for that either. It appears that black candles can be used for quite a bit of magick although they can be substituted for different materials.

I don't know how many people have heard of the store called A Touch of Magick but it's located near my hometown in Warner Robins, Georgia. I go there sometimes when I need some magickal supplies. They have some really neat stuff in there although it's more expensive than buying off the web. Every time I go in there, they are out of ritual black candles. They have every other color (although low on red as well), but black is always out. Kind of makes me wonder...

Are they using black candles for protection, banishing, and absorbing negativity....or for things much more sinister. We don't all have the same moral compass or code of ethics around here. Just saying.

Pink

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I just want to say that before I start talking about the color pink, this is my least favorite color. It's not my least favorite because "pink is a girly color" but it's because I consider it kind of weak in a way. Pink is basically a shade of red (a mixture of red and white) which to me makes it just a weaker strength of color compared to the color red. So when I'm doing spells, depending on how strong I want the spells to be, I go with the stronger colors.

However, I think pink is ideal for love and building relationships. To me, pink is a stepping stone to trying to strengthen the relationships that you're trying to form with others whether this be friendly ties or inquisitive love. Many love spells require the color pink to be incorporated in some way, most likely with pink candles.

I remember when I was about 8 years old and my mother bought me a book about love spells. It came with a set of pink tea lites and rose oil so you could do your own love spell. I had no knowledge or understanding of what I was doing at the time but I was so intrigued that I decided to try it. I laugh at it now. Not only did the spell not work, but I didn't even really finish it. I loved those candles and I couldn't think of letting them burn all the way out for one single spell!

Of course, now we know why we let the candles burn all the way out. So they can send their energy out to make the spell possible. It's kind of amazing how young I was when I became attracted to Witchcraft. I even used to make "potions" when I was really little with my brother. I was so weird.

The Spirit of Purple

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I generally associate the color purple with the Spirit element. Since each element has a color association (ie blue is to water, red is to fire), I place purple with the spirit. I'll most definitely be incorporating the color purple in my Spiritual Awakening Ritual that I'm preparing for myself and my friend in the Craft.

Colors have meaning. They have substance. They have characteristics. They have a purpose and they have life. In our Craft, we use them to represent our emotions, our desires, and our fears. It's amazing how strongly we associate these things with simple colors and by doing so we project our wills through them. We will be using the color purple to connect with our spirits, purify them, and use them to achieve spiritual enlightenment in my upcoming New Moon Ritual with my friend.

Although purple will be the focal point color, I also want to incorporate blues and reds because of their meanings, blue being associated with calmness and emotions and red being associated with energy and will. I still have to write out the ritual for us to do as soon as I get done doing other things that I need to get done for college.

I have so many priorities and so little time.

Helping Others

I wonder if people recognize the importance of the New Moon as much as I do? Most Witches perform spells, rituals, and other magick workings on the Full Moon because it's more prominent in the Wiccan culture. However, I like to recognize the New Moon as well. Not only is it the Crone aspect of the Goddess but it also signifies her rebirth as the Maiden and thus new beginnings and fresh starts.

My friend, who is a sister in the Craft with me and also helps me with the Wiccan Study Group, will be doing a new moon ritual with me next weekend. I need to start constructing it for the both of us. I really want to focus on her and opening her up to her full potential as a powerful Witch. She just needs a little motivation and determination to put her back on her true path so she can fulfill her destiny in the Craft.

The Old Ones, the higher beings that we follow in my tradition, act as our guides giving us advice and helping us when we're lost. She feels as though they are frustrated with her and her stagnant position right now. I'm going to get her moving forward again. I know I'm going to pull her out of her slump that she's been going through and that's why I'm going to make the ritual very specific to her needs.

I'm going to be working on writing that ritual this week and probably add it to my Book of Shadows. I think I'll title it "Spiritual Awakening Ritual" since that's what the ritual is going to be centered on. I think the New Moon would be a perfect time to do this for her and then she can work on building upon it during the waxing moon which is supposed to be a good time for building relationships and constructive magick.

As for now, I should stop procrastinating and do some reading not only for school but for the Craft as well. I'm right in the middle of a book that I haven't been reading because of other events in my life. These other events keep pulling me away from what I've been called to do but not anymore. Back to meditation, reading, and doing what I need to do.

The Blues

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

Whenever I do meditation, I normally use cool, blue candles. I stare into their flames and just forget myself, forget my troubles, my worries, my uncertainties, and just relax. I associate the color blue with serenity, tranquility  peacefulness, water, emotions, compassion, and many other things that correlate. As of the moment, it's my favorite color. Especially deep midnight blue.

I associate blue with positive things while others would associate the color blue with sadness. It is an emotional color. The "blues" were even named after it. Sometimes, when I am feeling sad or depressed I don't like looking at the color or being around it. Other people would agree the color can have a powerful impact on their emotions especially when they are emotional vulnerable or unstable.

Imbolc

So I'm sure everyone knows what today is! It's Candlemas of course! About every Pagan and Wiccan I talked to seemed to not be having anything going on for this very special Sabbat which kind of surprised me. Candlemas, or Imbolc, or Nos Gwyl Fair, is a major Sabbat and represents new beginnings. The Lady of Fire and Lord of Ice are celebrated on this day. In my tradition we celebrate with the Celtic Fire Goddess Brighid and celebrate her return as well as the return of the God.

If you want to read more about Candlemas in my tradition you can go here: http://www.dynionmwyn.net/Candlemas.html

February 2nd is also part of another tradition: Groundhog's Day! Some people don't believe in Groundhog's Day. I'm sure they're saying to themselves right now "how is a groundhog going to determine if it's still winter or spring?" or "who cares". Well, it's been a tradition for a very long time. It's older than even some of the  traditions in Wicca!

For Imbolc, I got up early this morning to get dressed and refreshed. Then I did meditation for about an hour and took care of my plants. I'm planning on doing a traditional ritual tonight for it which includes all the trimmings. Unfortunately, my friend who was going to celebrate it with me has a family get together. I wonder why pretty much all of my Pagan, Wiccan, and Witch friends aren't celebrating it.

In fact, I'm starting to notice that people are getting really lazy when it comes to recognizing Sabbats and Esbats. I understand the busy lives that people live but it doesn't take long to take 10 minutes out of the day to at least meditate. Plus, it's a Saturday. The people I know don't work on Saturdays. We need to kick this lazy attitude to the curb and get the ball rolling again.

Anyway, Happy Imbolc everyone!

Seeing Red

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

What emotions do you feel when you see the color red? Is it passion? Is it lust? Is it anger or wrath? When I was a child the three colors that I always bounced back and forth from being my favorite were red, blue, and purple. Whenever I was calm, my favorite color was blue. Whenever I was doing something adventurous or courageous, my favorite color was purple. But whenever I was bold or daring even borderline dangerous, my favorite color was red.

Personally, I rarely use the color red for love. I mainly reserve that for pink. If I do use the color red, then I also use pink with it to balance out the power of passion (red) with the power of tenderness and romance (pink). For some reason, I feel that red is a very strong color and a wild color. I've always associated it with being hard to tame and control. I suppose this would coincide with the color being that of will and strength.

Whenever I am incorporating this color into my Craft, I never use it for anger or violence of any kind. I make sure that I am at peace with myself and those around me in my environment before using this color in spells. I never cast spells out of anger or revenge. I never cast spells when I am in that frame of mind either as it can affect you and those who are around you.

I use it often when referring to life and energy and in motivational spells. It always helps to keep the blood flowing and finding some inspiration in motivation. I'm at a very crucial moment in my life and I can always use a little red to help get the ball rolling.

Green is to Earth

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I decided to post about the color green for today. Most of us would agree that we associate this color with the Earth, with prosperity, and everything listed above. The main reason I wanted to talk about it was because I've discovered that I'm a little different. Or maybe I should say my tradition is a little different. For those of you who don't know, I'm from a Welsh Witchcraft Tradition. I'm sure you've heard of the Celtic and the Welsh.

Well, I recently discovered that when casting Circles, I do it differently from most others. I attribute the element Air to the North and the element Earth to the East. Most books I've read say this is incorrect but this is how my tradition has been doing it for a very long time. At first I thought well maybe I read something wrong or my teacher taught me something wrong but the more I looked into it I found that it made complete sense.

The brief reason as to why our elements are switched is to alternate between the masculine and the feminine to produce as much energy as possible. Also, our Circle has a cross within it, the vertical line being male from North to South, and the horizontal being female from East to West. I think we can all agree that Air and Fire are masculine and that Earth and Water are feminine. So my Circles go East:Earth:Feminine, South:Fire:Masculine, West:Water:Feminine, and North:Air:Masculine. As you travel around the Circle, it's all in balance. It's different from what is generally accepted but it makes more sense to me.

People will cast their Circle how they wish to in the end. I'm not posting this to change anyone's traditional Circle casting. I just thought it was rather interesting that I'm one of the few people that I know who do this, or maybe my tradition is just one of the few who still do this.

If you'd like to learn more about this and go more in depth on the situation than my brief explanation you can go to this website: http://www.sacred-texts.com/bos/bos089.htm

This link should take you directly to an article titled, "Re-thinking the Watchtowers or 13 Reasons Air should be in the North" by Mike Nichols. He's also a Welsh Witch.

Yellow

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I thought today I would do something different. I wanted to talk a little bit about colors and our emotions. Why do we associate colors with emotions, characteristics, and elements? I'll be posting about each color candle and their magick properties each day. But keep in mind that colors are not limited to just candles when performing spells. Since the emotion I'm really seeking at the moment is happiness, I normally use yellow candles when performing spells to obtain happiness.

How many of you seek happiness out of life? I'm pretty sure a good number of you would say that you do. Isn't that all what we want in the end? I've been doing a bit of magick, I guess you would say, recently involving happiness. One thing I did was go out and buy myself an African Violet. Well, my friend bought it for me because she knew I was feeling down about everything. Violets are said to bring happiness to the owner and represent this emotion. It's always wonderful to have something to nourish and watch grow from your efforts. I believe it helps me stay in tune with my nurturing side.

Also, each morning, I light a small yellow votive candle and meditate on what I want out of the day. These days all I want is happiness. I choose to be happy and ask the God and Goddess for the strength and determination to maintain a positive outlook on life.

Happiness comes from within. We are the ones in control of our emotions. We choose to be happy or sad and we can change them. Choose to be happy everyday. Right when you wake up tell yourself "I choose to be happy" and see where you end up at the end of the day. I've been doing this for the past week and I've learned that I'm much nicer to others and much more patient.

Spiritual Journeys

I just got back from a cultural event on campus entitled "Spiritual Journeys of Gay Religious Leaders". Of course, the only religions that were represented were Christianity and surprisingly Buddhism. Before I even entered the auditorium I knew that Christianity would be a given since my college is technically a Christian College although it doesn't carry the title.

Although I'm not as enthusiastic about Christianity, I felt that the gay leader was very intelligent about the whole situation. I was even surprised that he said the Bible was written by people with experiences that relate to people like us. That really stumped me because I always thought that Christians believed the Bible was written by God or at least parts of it. Maybe I'm getting the whole "word of God" phrase mixed up with being written by God?

Either way, I found the speaker to be very insightful and enlightened on the teachings of Jesus and on the acceptance of homosexuality, bisexuality, transgender, etc., in the Bible and in the teachings of God.  With the Buddhist speaker I was even more impressed possibly because I'm more interested in the teachings of Buddha and the religion. Meditation and contemplation where emphasized techniques of healing and finding inner peace within one's self. How can you learn to love others when you have not learned to love yourself?

At first, I wasn't even going to go to this event. I was steadily talking myself out of it, telling myself it was too late, telling myself I'd be bored, and yet, I'm very glad that I went. I made a new friend name Carly and I felt like I learned some very valuable things. I'm going through a time where I am in need of healing myself. I'm fighting a side of me that I really shouldn't because it's a part of who I am. I am a Witch and I shouldn't try to change that for anyone or for anything.

I'm starting to see those little blessings in disguise. The God and Goddess and Old Ones are taking care of me. They know where my true path lies and where my heart is supposed to be. As long as I trust them then I'll get through this hard time and truly find my inner peace. With all these intense dreams I've been having lately, I think I'll start writing them down in my dream journal again.

My life begins now.

Acceptance

I've finally accepted things for what they are. I'm single now and that's how it's going to be till I find someone worthy of my heart. I should've never given it away in the first place. I'm in love with love and that's not necessarily a good thing. I tend to develop feelings a little too early I guess. Or maybe it wasn't early at all considering we had been together for 2 freaking years.

But that's all in the past now. I shouldn't have to give up a part of who I am to please people I don't even know. It's his choice and he deserves every bit of the consequences that come along with it. I'm done playing around with someone who just wants to string me along. It's time to find someone who will treat me the way I'm supposed to be treated and who will love me know matter what happens.

Hell, maybe I'll even date a few girls since I am bisexual. I've been thinking about having a girlfriend around. Not just a girlfriend but having more friends who are girls in general. Girls are better at communication than boys are. No offense guys, but girls have a little more empathy and compassion when it comes to the situation I'm going through.

I'm just going to stick with what I'm good at and that's school, work, and the Craft. I think one reason why I was so emotional is because my moon sign is in Cancer. Apparently, that's supposed to make people more emotional than others. Not exactly sensitive to just our own emotions but to others as well. Also, having a moon sign in Cancer, from what I've heard around the vine, means you have higher psychic abilities.

I knew this was coming all along. I just ignored my intuition because I thought maybe he'd love me enough to not be that way. Guess I was wrong about that, but then again I knew I was. Well, this taught me a very valuable lesson I suppose. Never change who are for someone and never date a Muslim.

I won't say that I won't miss the times we had but I'll have better times with someone who truly deserves me.

Problem solved.

Tarot Reading and Dreams

Tonight is a full moon as most of you know, or will come to realize later tonight when it appears in the sky. I should be happy; I should feel like celebrating but right now I'm just thinking about everything else that's going on. I'm afraid of my emotions and the things I say today because my words backed by my uncontrolled emotions could possibly direct very unwanted results.

Everything will be charged today by the full moon. I feel like I'm fighting myself. I did a tarot card reading yesterday and discovered that my ex's parents would be understanding and allow him to be with me. However, there would be some pretty hefty consequences. Since tarot cards are oracles and what they say can change all the time I don't take them straight to heart but I do give them considerate thought.

The consequences included apprehension, fear, duplicity, living a double life, disloyalty, and I believe them. I feel like I can't have both the Craft and my ex in my life. I have to choose between them. People may think me a fool for giving up my beliefs for another but I truly love him. It's hard for me to decide right now especially since I'm not positive that his parents will let us be together.

I do want us to be together but in the back of my mind there's a voice telling me to wait. The day after he broke up with me, I had a dream. I was sitting beside a lake surrounded by lush grass, beautiful full trees, and colorful flowers. A woman in a white dress with pink flowers wreathed around her head was sitting on a rock beside the lake. I was crying into her lap as she ran hers hands through my hair.

She told me that everything would be okay and if I truly wanted to be with him then I would be. However, she told me that if I were patient and waited for two months then I would find healing in another. It was a very profound dream. Maybe I was speaking to the Goddess, maybe it was just a dream, or maybe it was  myself telling myself everything would be alright. Whatever it was it gave me hope. My tarot cards gave me hope. I just don't know how it'll turn out or if it'll be what I truly want in the end.

A Terrible Year

My classes are really difficult this year. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that's going on. I went to a meeting today about going to medical school and I didn't know that I needed to start getting everything in by March! I guess I'll just move on to plan B and go to a graduate school for awhile. That means I need to take a weekend and look at all the requirements for everything.

I'm still stuck in a rut with the ex. I feel like I'm never going to know the decision. I'm going to put it out of my mind and try to focus on what's happening now. School is my number one priority right now but my mind is so adrift.

At least tomorrow is Friday and I'll have the weekend to get my head together for everything. I have my first tests of the semester next week. Two of them. One in Calculus and the other in Psychology. I feel like Psychology is going to be a tough course for me. I don't feel like I'm learning very much in that class so I'm going to have to do all the reading myself.

This year has truly started off terribly. It just seems to be getting worse and worse.

Worrying

I've been so wrapped up in my own miseries that I almost completely forgot about the Full Moon this weekend and about the ritual I was supposed to be preparing for my group. Maybe it'll be a good time to cast some spells that are relevant to the situation. Maybe a spell to bring me peace, help me heal, or help me find love. I'm not sure yet.

My friend also reminded me about Imbolc and asked if we would do a ritual together for it. Man, I am so out of it. I'm so worried about everything else that is happening. I shouldn't worry so much. I was on facebook today and saw a picture with one of those inspirational quotes talking about worrying. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was saying something about worrying makes you think of the worst possible outcomes and help make them come true.

Maybe it's right. Maybe I should only think positive thoughts but then I don't want to be too hopeful. I'll be even more crushed if I'm too hopeful about me and my ex. So you can see why I'm all messed up. I'm not really waiting for him either. I am putting myself out there but I'm so down on myself right now that I'm not really putting in my best effort.

I think I should just drown myself in my studies here at college for awhile and reading books. I need to stay focused on school since it's very important. I really hope I come out of this funk soon. I'm just a little angry that he didn't go to Pakistan and now I have to wait two more weeks to know what the final decision is. I really hope it doesn't break my heart...again.

Hating Men

It's kind of tough being on the fence about everything. On the one hand there's still a chance for me to be with my ex although that is very slim. On the other, there's a few guys that want to take me out on dates. I'm so hesitant to do anything at this moment. I'm kind of holding myself back because I'm still holding out for hope.

It may be stupid of me but he won't tell me straight out what his decision is. He'll tell me that he did wrong, that I'm clearly the better choice, etc, but he won't come straight out and say he wants to be with me. That's what makes me the most upset about this whole situation. If I am the better choice like he says that I am then shouldn't it be clear that he should choose me?

I just can't believe that he hasn't made up his mind yet. I'm kind of getting to the point where I'm tired of it. I do truly want to be with him, but I don't want to wait on him for a year for him to make up his mind. He wants nothing to do with that girl he's supposed to get married to. He showed me a picture of her and even said that I was much prettier than her!

I just don't get it! He still wants to spend Valentine's Day with me too. I don't see why he doesn't want to spend it with the girl he's supposed to be marrying. It doesn't make any sense. Right now, he just keeps saying that he's single because his parents haven't made the engagement official so right there he's saying that I may still have a chance.

He was supposed to go to Pakistan today but his mother is coming to visit him in about 2 weeks so his dad doesn't want to spend that kind of money. So I guess he's going to talk to his mom and then they're going to talk to his dad on Skype? He basically already told me that his dad will probably give the decision to him.

I don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being toyed with by him about all this. I hate that I feel this way but he won't be straight up with me about anything at all.

Time For Change

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I'm actually up out of bed and thinking about getting some things done for school. That sounds quite terrible doesn't it? That it's taken me this long to even try to get over it. I'm trying to meet new people I guess. I started on that dating site called okcupid.com. A friend told me to try it and put myself out there.

Not that I have to have a man or woman or anything but I might just find someone interesting. My ex is trying to be friends with me now. I don't think we'll ever truly be friends. I resent him and I'm going to feel this way for a very long time. I'll probably hate him even more once he's married to his cousin. And for those of you that think oh, it's probably his cousin removed or something, no it's not. It's his first cousin. Her father is his father's brother. Yeah, it's that close of a relationship.

I guess I can revel in the fact that they don't talk to each other and he doesn't even like her because she has a bad personality or something. At least that's what he told me before. I take secret delight in the fact that he'll probably be miserable with her.

You may think that's a terrible thing to say or think but he played me. Any man who can't make a decision himself isn't a real man anyway as my dad says.

He's going to regret his decision while I'm going places and making someone else the luckiest man to ever live.

Maybe

I haven't felt like talking to anyone this week. I haven't felt like moving from my bed. I can't focus on my schoolwork or eat or sleep. I'm trying to get out of this slump but it hasn't been good. I found out about the girl my ex has been arranged to marry. It's none other than his own cousin. There's no describing the amount of betrayal and humiliation that I'm feeling right now.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to start over and do something productive. Maybe I'll be able to finally walk with my head held high. I was supposed to go on a date tonight with someone but I cancelled. I'm just not ready yet. I'm not even attracted to the guy.

Maybe something good will happen tomorrow. Maybe everything will turn out okay. Right now I just feel so alone. I have people asking me to do spells for peace and love for them and I just can't right now. I can't because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I'm so distraught over this situation that it's making me physically ill.

My friend who helps me run the study group is supposed to be coming up here to see me tomorrow. Maybe she can help me feel better. Just maybe.

A Cycle

I've never felt so distraught as I do now. They say that time heals all wounds, however, I'm not sure I believe that entirely. Time may help you forget things, it may make it a little easier, but as for healing the wound? I'm not so sure. Even when a wound heals there will still be a scar. There will still be that haunting piece of memory that pops up every now and again to torture you.

I may be being a little overdramatic but if you have ever felt like I do or experienced even an ounce of the pain that I am experiencing then you know that I'm grieving for my loss of love. Some people try to console me, others try to tell me it was all his fault and he's to blame, and others have gone as far as to say that he never loved me at all.

I'm not sure who or what to believe. Sometimes I feel like getting angry and smashing everything, breaking everything that reminds me of him. Then right before I do, I stop myself and think that it's my fault that I ever loved him in the first place. Then I become deeply depressed and angry with myself for letting someone like him take away my happiness. Eventually, I just end up in the exact same place. In the exact same cycle of anger and sadness.

It seems so appropriate that it's been raining the entire time I got back to college. It's almost as if the Gods and Goddesses, all of them are crying for me. It's so hard because I know that I have a path to follow and it never really included him, but I want him to be there. I can compromise, I can adapt to change. I just don't want to be without him.

Here I go again into that cycle. I'm thinking right now that maybe he wants to live without me. Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe it was never about his parents but about me not being submissive enough to his needs. Whatever the true reason, maybe this was supposed to happen.

I just didn't want it to. It's hard to be strong about all this when your heart is so broken along with your spirit...

Heartbreak

What people think is best doesn't always turn out to be so. Sometimes the best person someone meets, that one person who changes your life in the most profound way is someone you least expect. Letting that person slip through your fingers will probably be the most heart breaking moment of your life. But choosing to let go of that person because of other people is probably the biggest mistake and the biggest regret of all. It's probably even the most destructive path.

I was just let go by a man I dearly love because he fears his parents wouldn't approve of me. I'm not sure what his parents would do to him if he were with me. Drag him through the streets by horses? Dip in a vat of boiling water? I'm not sure. But whatever they would do to him, the torture that would ensue for him, must be more severe than letting me go.

I hope he finds peace and happiness. I hope I find peace and happiness. I just can't believe that I wasn't loved enough to be worth saving...

Decisions and Religion

I believe all this meditation and energy work has definitely been helping me. I'm so excited about everything that's happening to me! The beauty of it all is that none of the work that I have to do is making me feel stressed. Meditation definitely does help with stress relief. I'll think I'll even squeeze in time to go jogging tomorrow.

Something changed in me over the break. I can feel it. Today, my boyfriend came to see me. I knew it's been bothering him for awhile about my religion and me not wanting to live in Pakistan. I'm very adamant about not converting to Islam and about not living in Pakistan. Not that I hate Islam or Pakistan mind you. It's just not who I am and not something I want to do. I like my opinions and beliefs about the world and the  God and the Goddess. I like living here in America. I don't want to change and become one big lie.

It doesn't sadden me. In the end, the choice will be his. He says he's okay with me being a Witch and wanting to live here but his parents aren't. I wasn't put on this planet to please his parents. I was put on this planet with a special purpose to be true to who I am and to help others. Whatever his decision, it will be the right one. Even if it upsets, hurts, and nearly destroys me I know it will be for the best.

Either he'll choose to follow his heart and be with me. Or he'll choose to please his parents. Either way, my life will be on the path its supposed to be on and his will be on the path with me or the one without. However, I really hope he chooses to be with me but it's whatever he decides. He has free will and so do I. 

It's funny how something like religion can keep people apart. Why is that? I feel like the people who follow the major monotheistic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) have the biggest problem with people from  other religions and even differing monotheistic religions. There's hardly any difference between these religions and yet they are at war with each other constantly.

Why would I want to be any part of that? I want to be free to do as I please, pray as I want and when and where I want, I want to experience the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the God, the Goddess, the Great Spirit on my own terms. I don't need someone or a book to tell me how to live my life and experience these things. All I need is my body, mind, and spirit.