A Cycle

I've never felt so distraught as I do now. They say that time heals all wounds, however, I'm not sure I believe that entirely. Time may help you forget things, it may make it a little easier, but as for healing the wound? I'm not so sure. Even when a wound heals there will still be a scar. There will still be that haunting piece of memory that pops up every now and again to torture you.

I may be being a little overdramatic but if you have ever felt like I do or experienced even an ounce of the pain that I am experiencing then you know that I'm grieving for my loss of love. Some people try to console me, others try to tell me it was all his fault and he's to blame, and others have gone as far as to say that he never loved me at all.

I'm not sure who or what to believe. Sometimes I feel like getting angry and smashing everything, breaking everything that reminds me of him. Then right before I do, I stop myself and think that it's my fault that I ever loved him in the first place. Then I become deeply depressed and angry with myself for letting someone like him take away my happiness. Eventually, I just end up in the exact same place. In the exact same cycle of anger and sadness.

It seems so appropriate that it's been raining the entire time I got back to college. It's almost as if the Gods and Goddesses, all of them are crying for me. It's so hard because I know that I have a path to follow and it never really included him, but I want him to be there. I can compromise, I can adapt to change. I just don't want to be without him.

Here I go again into that cycle. I'm thinking right now that maybe he wants to live without me. Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe it was never about his parents but about me not being submissive enough to his needs. Whatever the true reason, maybe this was supposed to happen.

I just didn't want it to. It's hard to be strong about all this when your heart is so broken along with your spirit...