Green is to Earth

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I decided to post about the color green for today. Most of us would agree that we associate this color with the Earth, with prosperity, and everything listed above. The main reason I wanted to talk about it was because I've discovered that I'm a little different. Or maybe I should say my tradition is a little different. For those of you who don't know, I'm from a Welsh Witchcraft Tradition. I'm sure you've heard of the Celtic and the Welsh.

Well, I recently discovered that when casting Circles, I do it differently from most others. I attribute the element Air to the North and the element Earth to the East. Most books I've read say this is incorrect but this is how my tradition has been doing it for a very long time. At first I thought well maybe I read something wrong or my teacher taught me something wrong but the more I looked into it I found that it made complete sense.

The brief reason as to why our elements are switched is to alternate between the masculine and the feminine to produce as much energy as possible. Also, our Circle has a cross within it, the vertical line being male from North to South, and the horizontal being female from East to West. I think we can all agree that Air and Fire are masculine and that Earth and Water are feminine. So my Circles go East:Earth:Feminine, South:Fire:Masculine, West:Water:Feminine, and North:Air:Masculine. As you travel around the Circle, it's all in balance. It's different from what is generally accepted but it makes more sense to me.

People will cast their Circle how they wish to in the end. I'm not posting this to change anyone's traditional Circle casting. I just thought it was rather interesting that I'm one of the few people that I know who do this, or maybe my tradition is just one of the few who still do this.

If you'd like to learn more about this and go more in depth on the situation than my brief explanation you can go to this website: http://www.sacred-texts.com/bos/bos089.htm

This link should take you directly to an article titled, "Re-thinking the Watchtowers or 13 Reasons Air should be in the North" by Mike Nichols. He's also a Welsh Witch.

Yellow

http://pinterest.com/dragonkaz/candle-magick/

I thought today I would do something different. I wanted to talk a little bit about colors and our emotions. Why do we associate colors with emotions, characteristics, and elements? I'll be posting about each color candle and their magick properties each day. But keep in mind that colors are not limited to just candles when performing spells. Since the emotion I'm really seeking at the moment is happiness, I normally use yellow candles when performing spells to obtain happiness.

How many of you seek happiness out of life? I'm pretty sure a good number of you would say that you do. Isn't that all what we want in the end? I've been doing a bit of magick, I guess you would say, recently involving happiness. One thing I did was go out and buy myself an African Violet. Well, my friend bought it for me because she knew I was feeling down about everything. Violets are said to bring happiness to the owner and represent this emotion. It's always wonderful to have something to nourish and watch grow from your efforts. I believe it helps me stay in tune with my nurturing side.

Also, each morning, I light a small yellow votive candle and meditate on what I want out of the day. These days all I want is happiness. I choose to be happy and ask the God and Goddess for the strength and determination to maintain a positive outlook on life.

Happiness comes from within. We are the ones in control of our emotions. We choose to be happy or sad and we can change them. Choose to be happy everyday. Right when you wake up tell yourself "I choose to be happy" and see where you end up at the end of the day. I've been doing this for the past week and I've learned that I'm much nicer to others and much more patient.

Spiritual Journeys

I just got back from a cultural event on campus entitled "Spiritual Journeys of Gay Religious Leaders". Of course, the only religions that were represented were Christianity and surprisingly Buddhism. Before I even entered the auditorium I knew that Christianity would be a given since my college is technically a Christian College although it doesn't carry the title.

Although I'm not as enthusiastic about Christianity, I felt that the gay leader was very intelligent about the whole situation. I was even surprised that he said the Bible was written by people with experiences that relate to people like us. That really stumped me because I always thought that Christians believed the Bible was written by God or at least parts of it. Maybe I'm getting the whole "word of God" phrase mixed up with being written by God?

Either way, I found the speaker to be very insightful and enlightened on the teachings of Jesus and on the acceptance of homosexuality, bisexuality, transgender, etc., in the Bible and in the teachings of God.  With the Buddhist speaker I was even more impressed possibly because I'm more interested in the teachings of Buddha and the religion. Meditation and contemplation where emphasized techniques of healing and finding inner peace within one's self. How can you learn to love others when you have not learned to love yourself?

At first, I wasn't even going to go to this event. I was steadily talking myself out of it, telling myself it was too late, telling myself I'd be bored, and yet, I'm very glad that I went. I made a new friend name Carly and I felt like I learned some very valuable things. I'm going through a time where I am in need of healing myself. I'm fighting a side of me that I really shouldn't because it's a part of who I am. I am a Witch and I shouldn't try to change that for anyone or for anything.

I'm starting to see those little blessings in disguise. The God and Goddess and Old Ones are taking care of me. They know where my true path lies and where my heart is supposed to be. As long as I trust them then I'll get through this hard time and truly find my inner peace. With all these intense dreams I've been having lately, I think I'll start writing them down in my dream journal again.

My life begins now.

Acceptance

I've finally accepted things for what they are. I'm single now and that's how it's going to be till I find someone worthy of my heart. I should've never given it away in the first place. I'm in love with love and that's not necessarily a good thing. I tend to develop feelings a little too early I guess. Or maybe it wasn't early at all considering we had been together for 2 freaking years.

But that's all in the past now. I shouldn't have to give up a part of who I am to please people I don't even know. It's his choice and he deserves every bit of the consequences that come along with it. I'm done playing around with someone who just wants to string me along. It's time to find someone who will treat me the way I'm supposed to be treated and who will love me know matter what happens.

Hell, maybe I'll even date a few girls since I am bisexual. I've been thinking about having a girlfriend around. Not just a girlfriend but having more friends who are girls in general. Girls are better at communication than boys are. No offense guys, but girls have a little more empathy and compassion when it comes to the situation I'm going through.

I'm just going to stick with what I'm good at and that's school, work, and the Craft. I think one reason why I was so emotional is because my moon sign is in Cancer. Apparently, that's supposed to make people more emotional than others. Not exactly sensitive to just our own emotions but to others as well. Also, having a moon sign in Cancer, from what I've heard around the vine, means you have higher psychic abilities.

I knew this was coming all along. I just ignored my intuition because I thought maybe he'd love me enough to not be that way. Guess I was wrong about that, but then again I knew I was. Well, this taught me a very valuable lesson I suppose. Never change who are for someone and never date a Muslim.

I won't say that I won't miss the times we had but I'll have better times with someone who truly deserves me.

Problem solved.

Tarot Reading and Dreams

Tonight is a full moon as most of you know, or will come to realize later tonight when it appears in the sky. I should be happy; I should feel like celebrating but right now I'm just thinking about everything else that's going on. I'm afraid of my emotions and the things I say today because my words backed by my uncontrolled emotions could possibly direct very unwanted results.

Everything will be charged today by the full moon. I feel like I'm fighting myself. I did a tarot card reading yesterday and discovered that my ex's parents would be understanding and allow him to be with me. However, there would be some pretty hefty consequences. Since tarot cards are oracles and what they say can change all the time I don't take them straight to heart but I do give them considerate thought.

The consequences included apprehension, fear, duplicity, living a double life, disloyalty, and I believe them. I feel like I can't have both the Craft and my ex in my life. I have to choose between them. People may think me a fool for giving up my beliefs for another but I truly love him. It's hard for me to decide right now especially since I'm not positive that his parents will let us be together.

I do want us to be together but in the back of my mind there's a voice telling me to wait. The day after he broke up with me, I had a dream. I was sitting beside a lake surrounded by lush grass, beautiful full trees, and colorful flowers. A woman in a white dress with pink flowers wreathed around her head was sitting on a rock beside the lake. I was crying into her lap as she ran hers hands through my hair.

She told me that everything would be okay and if I truly wanted to be with him then I would be. However, she told me that if I were patient and waited for two months then I would find healing in another. It was a very profound dream. Maybe I was speaking to the Goddess, maybe it was just a dream, or maybe it was  myself telling myself everything would be alright. Whatever it was it gave me hope. My tarot cards gave me hope. I just don't know how it'll turn out or if it'll be what I truly want in the end.

A Terrible Year

My classes are really difficult this year. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that's going on. I went to a meeting today about going to medical school and I didn't know that I needed to start getting everything in by March! I guess I'll just move on to plan B and go to a graduate school for awhile. That means I need to take a weekend and look at all the requirements for everything.

I'm still stuck in a rut with the ex. I feel like I'm never going to know the decision. I'm going to put it out of my mind and try to focus on what's happening now. School is my number one priority right now but my mind is so adrift.

At least tomorrow is Friday and I'll have the weekend to get my head together for everything. I have my first tests of the semester next week. Two of them. One in Calculus and the other in Psychology. I feel like Psychology is going to be a tough course for me. I don't feel like I'm learning very much in that class so I'm going to have to do all the reading myself.

This year has truly started off terribly. It just seems to be getting worse and worse.

Worrying

I've been so wrapped up in my own miseries that I almost completely forgot about the Full Moon this weekend and about the ritual I was supposed to be preparing for my group. Maybe it'll be a good time to cast some spells that are relevant to the situation. Maybe a spell to bring me peace, help me heal, or help me find love. I'm not sure yet.

My friend also reminded me about Imbolc and asked if we would do a ritual together for it. Man, I am so out of it. I'm so worried about everything else that is happening. I shouldn't worry so much. I was on facebook today and saw a picture with one of those inspirational quotes talking about worrying. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was saying something about worrying makes you think of the worst possible outcomes and help make them come true.

Maybe it's right. Maybe I should only think positive thoughts but then I don't want to be too hopeful. I'll be even more crushed if I'm too hopeful about me and my ex. So you can see why I'm all messed up. I'm not really waiting for him either. I am putting myself out there but I'm so down on myself right now that I'm not really putting in my best effort.

I think I should just drown myself in my studies here at college for awhile and reading books. I need to stay focused on school since it's very important. I really hope I come out of this funk soon. I'm just a little angry that he didn't go to Pakistan and now I have to wait two more weeks to know what the final decision is. I really hope it doesn't break my heart...again.

Hating Men

It's kind of tough being on the fence about everything. On the one hand there's still a chance for me to be with my ex although that is very slim. On the other, there's a few guys that want to take me out on dates. I'm so hesitant to do anything at this moment. I'm kind of holding myself back because I'm still holding out for hope.

It may be stupid of me but he won't tell me straight out what his decision is. He'll tell me that he did wrong, that I'm clearly the better choice, etc, but he won't come straight out and say he wants to be with me. That's what makes me the most upset about this whole situation. If I am the better choice like he says that I am then shouldn't it be clear that he should choose me?

I just can't believe that he hasn't made up his mind yet. I'm kind of getting to the point where I'm tired of it. I do truly want to be with him, but I don't want to wait on him for a year for him to make up his mind. He wants nothing to do with that girl he's supposed to get married to. He showed me a picture of her and even said that I was much prettier than her!

I just don't get it! He still wants to spend Valentine's Day with me too. I don't see why he doesn't want to spend it with the girl he's supposed to be marrying. It doesn't make any sense. Right now, he just keeps saying that he's single because his parents haven't made the engagement official so right there he's saying that I may still have a chance.

He was supposed to go to Pakistan today but his mother is coming to visit him in about 2 weeks so his dad doesn't want to spend that kind of money. So I guess he's going to talk to his mom and then they're going to talk to his dad on Skype? He basically already told me that his dad will probably give the decision to him.

I don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like I'm just being toyed with by him about all this. I hate that I feel this way but he won't be straight up with me about anything at all.

Time For Change

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I'm actually up out of bed and thinking about getting some things done for school. That sounds quite terrible doesn't it? That it's taken me this long to even try to get over it. I'm trying to meet new people I guess. I started on that dating site called okcupid.com. A friend told me to try it and put myself out there.

Not that I have to have a man or woman or anything but I might just find someone interesting. My ex is trying to be friends with me now. I don't think we'll ever truly be friends. I resent him and I'm going to feel this way for a very long time. I'll probably hate him even more once he's married to his cousin. And for those of you that think oh, it's probably his cousin removed or something, no it's not. It's his first cousin. Her father is his father's brother. Yeah, it's that close of a relationship.

I guess I can revel in the fact that they don't talk to each other and he doesn't even like her because she has a bad personality or something. At least that's what he told me before. I take secret delight in the fact that he'll probably be miserable with her.

You may think that's a terrible thing to say or think but he played me. Any man who can't make a decision himself isn't a real man anyway as my dad says.

He's going to regret his decision while I'm going places and making someone else the luckiest man to ever live.

Maybe

I haven't felt like talking to anyone this week. I haven't felt like moving from my bed. I can't focus on my schoolwork or eat or sleep. I'm trying to get out of this slump but it hasn't been good. I found out about the girl my ex has been arranged to marry. It's none other than his own cousin. There's no describing the amount of betrayal and humiliation that I'm feeling right now.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to start over and do something productive. Maybe I'll be able to finally walk with my head held high. I was supposed to go on a date tonight with someone but I cancelled. I'm just not ready yet. I'm not even attracted to the guy.

Maybe something good will happen tomorrow. Maybe everything will turn out okay. Right now I just feel so alone. I have people asking me to do spells for peace and love for them and I just can't right now. I can't because I'm not in the right frame of mind. I'm so distraught over this situation that it's making me physically ill.

My friend who helps me run the study group is supposed to be coming up here to see me tomorrow. Maybe she can help me feel better. Just maybe.

A Cycle

I've never felt so distraught as I do now. They say that time heals all wounds, however, I'm not sure I believe that entirely. Time may help you forget things, it may make it a little easier, but as for healing the wound? I'm not so sure. Even when a wound heals there will still be a scar. There will still be that haunting piece of memory that pops up every now and again to torture you.

I may be being a little overdramatic but if you have ever felt like I do or experienced even an ounce of the pain that I am experiencing then you know that I'm grieving for my loss of love. Some people try to console me, others try to tell me it was all his fault and he's to blame, and others have gone as far as to say that he never loved me at all.

I'm not sure who or what to believe. Sometimes I feel like getting angry and smashing everything, breaking everything that reminds me of him. Then right before I do, I stop myself and think that it's my fault that I ever loved him in the first place. Then I become deeply depressed and angry with myself for letting someone like him take away my happiness. Eventually, I just end up in the exact same place. In the exact same cycle of anger and sadness.

It seems so appropriate that it's been raining the entire time I got back to college. It's almost as if the Gods and Goddesses, all of them are crying for me. It's so hard because I know that I have a path to follow and it never really included him, but I want him to be there. I can compromise, I can adapt to change. I just don't want to be without him.

Here I go again into that cycle. I'm thinking right now that maybe he wants to live without me. Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe it was never about his parents but about me not being submissive enough to his needs. Whatever the true reason, maybe this was supposed to happen.

I just didn't want it to. It's hard to be strong about all this when your heart is so broken along with your spirit...

Heartbreak

What people think is best doesn't always turn out to be so. Sometimes the best person someone meets, that one person who changes your life in the most profound way is someone you least expect. Letting that person slip through your fingers will probably be the most heart breaking moment of your life. But choosing to let go of that person because of other people is probably the biggest mistake and the biggest regret of all. It's probably even the most destructive path.

I was just let go by a man I dearly love because he fears his parents wouldn't approve of me. I'm not sure what his parents would do to him if he were with me. Drag him through the streets by horses? Dip in a vat of boiling water? I'm not sure. But whatever they would do to him, the torture that would ensue for him, must be more severe than letting me go.

I hope he finds peace and happiness. I hope I find peace and happiness. I just can't believe that I wasn't loved enough to be worth saving...

Decisions and Religion

I believe all this meditation and energy work has definitely been helping me. I'm so excited about everything that's happening to me! The beauty of it all is that none of the work that I have to do is making me feel stressed. Meditation definitely does help with stress relief. I'll think I'll even squeeze in time to go jogging tomorrow.

Something changed in me over the break. I can feel it. Today, my boyfriend came to see me. I knew it's been bothering him for awhile about my religion and me not wanting to live in Pakistan. I'm very adamant about not converting to Islam and about not living in Pakistan. Not that I hate Islam or Pakistan mind you. It's just not who I am and not something I want to do. I like my opinions and beliefs about the world and the  God and the Goddess. I like living here in America. I don't want to change and become one big lie.

It doesn't sadden me. In the end, the choice will be his. He says he's okay with me being a Witch and wanting to live here but his parents aren't. I wasn't put on this planet to please his parents. I was put on this planet with a special purpose to be true to who I am and to help others. Whatever his decision, it will be the right one. Even if it upsets, hurts, and nearly destroys me I know it will be for the best.

Either he'll choose to follow his heart and be with me. Or he'll choose to please his parents. Either way, my life will be on the path its supposed to be on and his will be on the path with me or the one without. However, I really hope he chooses to be with me but it's whatever he decides. He has free will and so do I. 

It's funny how something like religion can keep people apart. Why is that? I feel like the people who follow the major monotheistic religions (Judaism, Christianity, and Islam) have the biggest problem with people from  other religions and even differing monotheistic religions. There's hardly any difference between these religions and yet they are at war with each other constantly.

Why would I want to be any part of that? I want to be free to do as I please, pray as I want and when and where I want, I want to experience the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the God, the Goddess, the Great Spirit on my own terms. I don't need someone or a book to tell me how to live my life and experience these things. All I need is my body, mind, and spirit.

The Senses

So I woke up this morning in a sweat. I was having a really weird dream in which I had turned into a black panther and attacked a man. I always have extremely graphic, violent, and generally weird dreams when the temperature in the room is warm or hot. The dreams are also much more vivid and I have multiple ones.

Well, it was kind of steamy in my room this morning. I didn't get much sleep between the dreaming and the tossing and turning and flopping around in bed. I got up before the alarm on my phone went off because I was already pretty much wide awake. I reached over to turn on my lamp and what would you know?

The power was out.

The power was out in our apartment/dorm building, several other dorms, and in some other buildings. However, none of my classes were cancelled. My college is much too dedicated to teaching its students that's for sure.

So no shower this morning. It's not the cold water that I would've minded, it would've been not being able to fix my hair and walking around in the cold with wet hair. Not really my idea of fun. This has been a really strange first day of classes. Or maybe I just have a really odd feeling.

I've been connecting with nature more often than usual. I've been noticing things that I never noticed before. I can look at a field of burnt trees and feel their pain. I can look at the branches of a tree and feel myself swaying in the wind along with them. It's like I'm becoming hypersensitive to everything that is around me.

I'm feeling things more than usual. I guess this would all make sense. You know how most people in the Craft try to develop their "sixth sense". Most people would call this sense their psychic abilities such as clairvoyance, empathy, etc. Well, I'm trying to develop all my senses which includes the ones that we all take for granted.

Our sense of taste, touch, smell, hearing and seeing.

I don't think many people think about these normal senses. I read in a book once that by developing these senses our sixth sense starts to come by more naturally. I think this is probably true. How many people know blind people that are able to sense things before we can such as passing cars? Or how about the people who are deaf but have become so aware of people's body language that it's almost like they can read your mind and feelings in certain situations? They do this because they have to rely on their other normal senses to interpret things that would normally be interpreted by hearing or seeing.

I'm not disregarding the fact that there are a lot of things that probably can't be perceived by the normal five senses. However, I do think that by developing all your senses you will gain much more knowledge and understanding about the sixth sense. It may even be easier to develop. I thank the God and the Goddess for all the senses that I possess. We should take them all into account instead of just the ones people think are the most important.

A New Year

I'm back!!!

It feels so good to be back here at college. I haven't even unpacked yet but I was excited to have internet again! I guess I'll have internet when I go back home now since my dad, brother, and I moved out of my step mother's house. We just couldn't live there anymore. She was too controlling for us and we got tired of her putting us all down.

She talked about us constantly to the townspeople even though we had done nothing wrong. We just weren't welcome there and she made that very well known. I'm kind of sad for my dad but then again I knew it was going to happen soon and that it was going to be for the best. Right now, they are separated but I have a feeling that it will probably end in divorce.

We ended up moving back to our hometown and to the apartments that we had lived in before. I love it there. It feels like home. It feels positive. It feels blessed.

A lot of things happened over my break. Some things were positive and others were negative. While I was away I was able to think about things, read, and write. I feel like I've gained a lot of knowledge about Wicca and about myself. I mostly read books on Wicca and I'm trying to stay in the habit of reading. I just have this hunger for more knowledge which hopefully will turn into understanding and eventually into wisdom.

It's a new year and it's going to be fantastic. I have a jar that I'm putting all my accomplishments in. It's going to be a reminder of how dedicated, motivated, and inspired I have become. I'm ready to show the world what I can do. I'm ready to take my Wicca Study Group along for the ride with me. I'm ready to be who I was born to be.

I know there will be people along the way that wish to bring me down, to see me fall. I'm just going to let go of the negativity and be myself. Those people can just stay out of my life because I don't need them. I don't need people telling me that I can't do something because I know that I can. My tarot cards told me so!!