Friends Forever

Okay, I think it's about time to write something very serious and very meaningful to me. I was trying to do this last night but the internet was so backed up with college students doing last minute research for projects and presentations that I assume they forgot about over the break. Just like me.

Have you ever felt such a strong bond to someone and you're not really sure what it's about or why it's there or why you even feel that way? I have those bonds with certain people. People that I know are and will eventually be very important in my life. Once these bonds are fully formed it's really hard to let go no matter how hard you try.

I've been trying to sever deep bonds with some very close people and they know who they are. I've done everything to get rid of these deep feelings of kindred spirits by burying them, getting angry at them, telling myself I'm better off without them. In the process, I was not only hurting them, but hurting myself. I really need these people in my life.

It's hard for some people to admit that. Hell, it was hard for myself to admit that. I'm a very independent woman and I don't like admitting that I'm wrong or even to forgive people. I always want to force myself to harbor those feelings of anger, hatred, betrayal, and sadness. I guess I do it because it's easier to hate someone and not talk to them for a very long time or ever than it is to say sorry and forgive them and yourself for letting your disagreements and petty arguments get the best of you.

I can be a lot of things but not at the same time. When I first get into arguments with people I normally brush it off but then later on I start thinking about the situation and I feel the emotion that I should have been experiencing during the argument. That's when I make the mistake of bringing everything up again which just leads to a new argument.

I'm trying to do better. I'm trying to be a better and more understanding person. Someone told me I wasn't very understanding and I guess she was right. I only understand my feelings. She's recently been talking to me again which really surprised me to be honest. I thought she would never speak to me again. It makes me happy but at the same time it makes me nervous. I'm so afraid I'm going to say something wrong and she's going to be angry with me again.

We may never talk like we used to and that saddens me. We used to tell each other everything but I can't tell her everything anymore. It's not that I don't want to. I'm just afraid next time we have a misunderstanding then we really won't talk to each other.

You know, the Goddess really has blessed me with a very diverse group of friends. I love them all and I could not ask for anyone better.